A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'take what you want!'" The first nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? Big hands!

A fiftysomething-year-old white man is struggling to meet ends. He currently supports a daughter in college and son struggling with both divorce and the foreclosure of his home. The man, crippled by the recent loss of his adoring wife by cancer and his youngest child, who succumbed to hard drugs and systematic self-destruction, left the man completely unable to cope with life itself. At his job as a train operator, he works from dawn to the dead of night and has sold almost all of his possessions in order to support his family. He is determined to see them succeed before he departs from his dreary existence which is the hellish facade called "life." However, the cost of these sacrifices begins to wear on him as he no longer eats properly or sleeps comfortably. It begins to affect his work ethic and one day, he crashes the train; one-hundred and sixty-one passengers were injured, and three children at the front of the train were rendered comatose from the impact. He is promptly sued by the city and asked to resign. After months of zero support from their father, his children begin to fall like flies to their individual hells. His son shoots himself a week after being arrested for beating and raping his ex-wife. The daughter is hospitalized after collapsing from stress and soon drops out of college altogether. She then ceases all communication with the father, most likely to avoid the shame and disappointment which she feels is evident. The father is soon incarcerated. He has been charged with manslaughter and found guilty. He knows that there is nothing beyond the prison bars and begins to research his own demise. After several weeks of feigning severe psychosis and homicidal tendencies, it is decided that he is to be executed within a few months by electric chair. This is what the man has been waiting for; an end to this parade of madness and infinite anguish. When the time comes to die, he is given his final meal. He eats a rosemary chicken, hoping it would taste like the ones his wife used to cook. Unfortunately, as expected, it does not. The meat is both bland and unsavory. He is forced onto the electric chair and strapped in. It bothers him that there is a piece of chicken stuck between his teeth, which have shriveled and rotted after years of poor maintenance. His throat is dry and he has a sudden pang of thirst to finish what would have been his final glass of water. As the priest reads to him his final prayers, he suddenly begins to sob uncontrollably. He mourns for his family, who he failed to protect and nurture. He is ashamed by the pain he has caused during his job as a train operator. He thinks back to the time when he was a child, where he sat in a field of soft grass and heard his mother calling in the distance. A voice calls to his attention. "Any last words?" says the executioner. The man bleakly stares into the incandescent light bulb which illuminates his throne of death like the halo of the supreme being, casting judgment upon his soul. "No." says the man, surprised by his own voice. It was frail, and papery, like the rustle of litter being cast aside on a sidewalk. "Very well." A loud noise emanates within the room as a switch is pulled. The man's constraints tug at his atrophied limbs and worn skin. He clenches his eyes and cries until tears trickle down into his mouth. His last sensation would be the taste of his own cowardice. There is silence which seems to resonate for an eternity. But then he realizes that he hasn't died; he was a poor conductor. By MAERFAWEF @ reddit.com

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night? She went to sea a movie.