Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you racist!
Santa Claus has the weirdest sex life. He comes only once a year and it's always down a chimney!
How do you know there's a Polack at a cockfight?
There's a duck in the ring.
How do you know there's an Italian at that cockfight?
Someone bet on the duck.
How do you know the mafia's at that cockfight?
The duck wins.
What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?
She went to sea a movie.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'take what you want!'"
The first nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Yo mama's so fat she causes gravitational lensing.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
